I was browsing a discussion forum the other day and I saw someone asking ‘how do I approach a transgender?’ Now to be clear I didn’t read the post because I was not that interested and I therefore do not intend to be mean to or about the writer of the piece but it did provoke some thoughts and that made me want to write this (humorous, hopefully) guide to approaching transgender in the wild. It is meant as a humorous/satirical response and is deliberately not politically correct. Please do not take offense before you have read to the end.
Firstly like all good hunters you need to be sure you remain hidden as long as possible. Carefully consider the natural habitat of the transgender and dress appropriately. Make sure you blend into the background. To this end you may want to follow a few basic steps:
1. Hygiene. Wash you don’t want to stink
2. Dress code. Carefully consider the dress code of the habitat of the transgender, avoid wearing tuxedos to biker bars and avoid wearing shorts and string vests to upmarket nightclubs.
3. Hair. Comb it, it helps.
4. Shoes. You may want to wear a pair. Make sure you tie the shoelaces, you don’t want to be tripping over them.
Secondly, you will want to correctly identify your prey. Many an admirer has correctly identified the correct habitat, dressed in the perfect camouflage, identified their transgender of choice, stalked her, approached her only to find that she was cisgender and not transgender. This is terribly embarrassing for all concerned and represents significant wasted effort on your part.
I would advise against some of the more obvious approaches to solving this problem. Unless your name is Donald Trump, please do not grab your preys breasts or genitals. This seldom ends well. Some of the more brazen hunters simply ask, but this will often also not go down well. Hair pulling has been proposed a method of discerning who is who in the zoo, but, again this will probably not end well.
No, there are far more subtle approaches. Some ideas that you may want to follow are to ask the DJ (assuming there is a DJ) to play something ‘trans friendly’. Abba (Dancing Queen), Rocky Horror Picture Show (Time Warp), Katy Perry (I Kissed a Girl), Queen (I Want to Break Free), Shania Twain (Man I Feel Like a Woman), Cyndi Lauper (Girls Just Wanna Have Fun) and most of Britney Spears, Madonna etc stuff will do. If on starting to play these songs there is a sudden influx of tall women wearing stilettos and short skirts on the dance floor then you have probably roused the transgender herd from its hiding places. You could also ask if anyone has superglue handy to repair some broken item (we almost all carry emergency false nail repair glue) or you could watch the toilets. Take note of anyone stopping and making a decisions re which ones to use. Anyone entering the ‘wrong’ facility is almost certainly a transgender.
Once you have correctly identified the herd you will want to hone in on the individual you want to approach. Make sure you choose wisely. Having gotten this far you do not want to mess things up. Identify your preferred target and move closer to your chosen target. Make sure you use all available cover and crucially avoid coming from an upwind position. No matter how clean you are (see points above) your cologne is probably pungent. You may have eaten garlic for lunch and it is just not worth risking it until you are within striking distance.
There will come a time when no matter what you will have to break cover, move across open ground and approach a transgender. At this point you gave reached the climax of the night and you now ask the question ‘how do I approach a transgender?’
The answer my dear reader is quite simply, carefully. Transgenders are a skittish, nervous species. They are also more powerful than they look and you can never be sure which of the fight/flight responses will be triggered. Either way you are likely to trigger one of them and this will probably not end well. Transgenders are also well known for their instincts for mutual protection and once approaching one individual you are likely to soon have a whole herd to deal with…
Perhaps you should just reconsider this whole approaching a transgender thing? It may be easier to simply think of them as people. Once you stop fetishising and objectifying the person and start seeing them as, well a person, suddenly all those fears and concerns disappear and you can rely on all those amazing social skills you have acquired over your lifetime. You can engage your mind, use your vocal skills and converse with the person. You can find mutual interests or become interested in the person with whom you are conversing. Once you realise that a ‘transgender’ is actually a person and more than a penis with tits (you may be amazed at how few of us actually have our own breasts, but that is something for another day), yes we have brains, yes we have emotions and feelings and no, we are not here for your sexual gratification. Your life will become much easier. You wont have to stalk us and find our hiding places, you will simply walk up to us like a normal human being and say ‘hello’. If you can be respectful, pleasant, polite, interesting and entertaining towards all women (whether they are the past or current owners of a penis or indeed a vagina), you will be amazed at what can happen. I can’t guarantee that you will acquire a romantic partner (a girlfriend if you will) nor can I guarantee that you will get short term sexual gratification, but if you are decent and have something to contribute I can assure you you will have a good time and you may even make a friend. And that is pretty darn cool…
A note to admirers: I totally understand that you are not all as bad as this. Some of you are actually quite nice people. I am not trying to tar you all with the same brush, but some of you need a wake up call. Please don’t be that guy and if you aren’t thank you for being cool.
Please don’t forget to vote for my blog in the SA Blog Awards the button is at the very bottom right hand side of the page. I stand to gain nothing but bragging rights, but hey bragging rights are bragging rights. If you enjoyed this post (or even if you didn’t), please consider making a donation. All you need is a Paypal account and all amounts no matter how small are appreciated. Donations are used to keep the blog running and to bring you reviews and other information that you may want and enjoy. If you can’t afford or do not want to donate that is also cool. See you soon and don’t forget to vote!