I know political posts are always dangerous, but I feel the need to express the way I feel with some dark humour. If you enjoy it I am happy to have entertained and got this off my chest. If you are offended, please move on, and come back later. Normal service will resume shortly.
After collaboration with Wikileaks, Edward Snowden and a mole in the Oval Office I am pleased to present to you Donald Trump’s first orders of business now that he has been elected President of the United States. Please note that this list was acquired at great risk so I am unable to reveal my source/s. I am sworn to secrecy.
1. Grab some female genitalia. If celebrities get away with this behaviour what can a President get away with? The time has come to test some limits.
2. Assess results of point 1.
3. Rename the White House to Trump House.
4. Repeat point 1.
5. Rename Air Force One To Trump Force One.
6. Consider renaming Marine One to Trump One but decide to keep it as is. Those MoFos are hardcore and have guns and stuff…
7. Look around to see if Bill left any cigars in the office. Remember that that Muslim type claiming to be President before you, but you know the truth that he was ineligible, repealed the ban on trade with Cuba, so order in a few Cuban cigars and see about using them in a repeat of point 1.
8. Reassess evidence gained so far in respect of of point 1.
9. Shout ‘You’re fired’ at various SCOTUS people. Hope you are firing the right ones.
10. When someone says something about the Constitution, rename it the Trumpstitution.
11. Ask if you can rename USS Constitution the USS Trumpstitution. Threaten to build a new masted sailing ship called the USS Trumpstitution, berthed in Las Vegas, if they don’t let you.
12. Look for someone to sue.
13. Feel bad because you are told the President probably shouldn’t sue anyone.
14. Call the Mexican President. Call him a rapist, bad hombre and demand to know when he is transferring the first billion of his wall fund to you.
15. Rename Texas Trump-ass
16. Reconsider point 15… Those MoFos are scarier than the Marines and have more and bigger guns… (see point 6).
17. Call Hillary and go NA NA NA NA at her… Tell her she shouldn’t have been so nasty when you tried to grab her… Offer her a job answering the phone outside the Oval Office. Laugh when she asks if it pays more or less than Goldman Sachs does.
18. Call Homeland Security and get to the bottom of that Obama guy’s birth certificate… Have one made showing the RIGHT place of birth if necessary.
19. Call Homeland Security again tell them to make sure the Obamas do not make it to Canada.
20. Get quotes on building a wall between Canada and USA. That border can’t be that long. Can it?
21. Call the KKK and UKIP and ask them round for a BBQ. Tell the KKK they can’t actually use burning crosses to cook the meat on the Trump House lawns… Well not yet anyway.
22. Get someone to write a speech for the wife… what’s her name? No the current one!
23. Look around for some female genitalia to grab.
24. Realise that as President you probably don’t need the breath freshener on hand anymore… Lose it.
25. Call Joint Chiefs of Staff ask them round for a planning meeting.
26. Call Joint Chiefs of Staff back. Insist on them bringing some ‘girls’ with.
27. Call the Federal Reserve and tell them to transfer US$20 billion to your private account. Right now you finally ARE worth US$10 billion…
28. Call North Carolina and ask them to send over all their anti LGBT legislation. Copy and paste. Send it over to Congress, marked URGENT.
29. Call leaders of Senate and Congress. Repeal the Bill of Rights.
30. Look around for some female genitalia to grab
31. Call the IRS tell them to lose all tax documents with last names starting with a ‘T’ ending in a ‘P’.
32. Call Megyn Kelly and invite her round to the BBQ. Tell her not to wear any panties.
33. Call the CIA and get them to find out if Angela Merkel wears panties.
34. Rename Fox News ‘Trump House Press Corps’
35. Build a special box for all journalists to sit in at briefings. Install nooses in the box.